tuesday.

I just started one of those posts where you just let your fingers do their thing and it's like you got a look at your inner psyche...and it scares you. It was about blogs and perfection and being genuine and not being genuine. Like I said, it scared me a little, reading my own words. It's like my heart wants to talk about it but my mind isn't ready. So that post will wait. Or maybe it'll never happen....

so my monthly goals (which seemed oh-so-clever and wise at the time) just aren't happening. Sure, I tried to be a good wife in February (but only brandon can be the judge of that). March is almost over and oopps.....that "style" blog doesn't even have a url. Frankly I just don't have the time. Or rather, I choose to not spend my time doing that. instead: I'm taking my photography business to the next level (didn't know I had a photography business?! exactly. my. point.) I took on a new and very exciting job. My mom and I are making plans to re-do my kitchen this summer. I'm trying desperately to make/save more money. I'm paying up for a semester worth of procrastinating assignments. I'm making art. I'm having art shows. I'm getting at least 8 hours of sleep EVERY NIGHT (huzzah!). And I'm meditating. 

and I feel comforted knowing I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing RIGHT NOW. and that feeling is rare. so I'm going to savor it.

which means this blog will continue to follow it's irregular, sporadic, nonsense style.

hope that's ok with you.

-Claire

p.s. here are some words of wisdom I know I needed, so maybe you need them too

Raising Resilient Children
Equal Partnership in Marriage

(good reads for parents/non parents, marrieds/singles)

p.p.s. I'm taking a blog fast. not from mine. but from yours (everyones). Don't worry, it's not personal. "it's not you, it's me..." but really, I need that time to make sure I pass classes and all that good stuff. Netflix took a hit too, so at least you are in good company. :)

Missing

I haven't experienced much missing in my life.  I've always had my family and friends so close by that I could call them in the middle of the night to aid me in who knows what, or to talk, or to just be with me.  I haven't had to say very many goodbyes, not real ones at least.  Goodbye has always been a short term/temporary statement.  More like a "see you soon" sort of thing.  Perhaps having a willing family so close makes my life a bit charmed.  But I think it also makes me fragile.  There is something about "gone" that I don't comprehend.  And it probably all seems silly and a bit dramatic but I think about "gone" a lot.  My big brother and his wife moved to NYC a few months ago.  And I miss them terribly.  But even more, I feel like I missed out while they were here.  Brandon and I caught our camping bug a little too late, we never took that hike we kept talking about, and there were so many conversations that could have been had, had we (I) made the effort.  I realize they aren't really gone, just somewhere else.  

I don't want to miss out on the good that is right in front of me.  I want to be able to say goodbye to people and things in my life, knowing I did everything I could to love and learn from them.  I want to feel ready to say goodbye, so that I'm not left missing.

Dane & Brit- we are working hard and saving lots in hopes to see you soon!  And when we do, we'll take that hike and talk all those talks we should have had a few months back.

-claire



*photos taken in film last november.  missing, but found.

I had an extremely productive weekend. productive and weekend are rarely in the same sentence for me, so please excuse me while I give myself a cyber pat on the back and post about it all here. ;)

In no particular order I:

went to a blogger meet up
bonded with lovely girls and made some (what I hope to be) long lasting friendships
got an art piece accepted in a show!
*PASSED A KIDNEY STONE
*watched 5 episodes of Toddlers in Tiaras
made business cards
*threw up a lot
watched EAMES and MOOG, (we're on a documentary kick...can you guess who picked what?)
*went running for the first time since september
watched/heard my mom preform in an amazing concert
cleaned our little dwelling
saw signs of spring
felt the sun burn the part in my hair
observed a high school art class
*got no sleep
went thrifting and spent under $10 {big pats on the back}
*got way too much sleep
booked photoshoots
danced around to funky vinyls
watched KONY 2012 and joined the fight
made plans for this years "spring cleaning"
missed church because my iphone decided to "fall back" instead of "spring forward". (Did anyone else have this problem? Apparently it's an iphone bug. I find it rather hilarious.)

blogged. {lets be honest...that's kinda a big deal for me as of late}

part of me is tempted to make a little tutorial about these business cards called "twenty minute business cards under $20". cause, they were in fact made within 20 minutes and cost well under $20. But I'm pretty sure they are self explanatory, right? The key is gold paper people. Gold paper makes even the quickest, least thought out idea look...well.....golden. {pin it! I dare ya!}

********the biggest news of all is that I PASSED A KIDNEY STONE! This may not seem like a big deal but need I remind you "passing a kidney stone is more painful than childbirth" out of the mouth of my mother who has passed equal stones to children birthed. Right after I cried tears of pain, I cried tears of joy. I've had this kidney stone since before thanksgiving (that's more than half a pregnancy people....). It's bothered me EVER DAY. I didn't realize how debilitating it was until the very moment I passed it, in the middle of watching an episode of Toddlers in Tiaras. (Thank heavens for that show, it's so bad I can't look away...perfect for distracting me from pain.) I have kidney stones. "It's like my thing." I try not to blog about how annoying it is cause there would be a post about it every other day. But you best believe I'll post about it when I pass one! It's like a major celebration over here :) seriously, tears of joy. Everything seems better knowing that annoying foreign object is no longer lingering in my urinary tract. TMI? be grateful I'm not sharing photos.

confused energy

I have been deeply under the weather these past few days. I say "deeply" mostly for dramatic effect (or is it affect?). It's not like I was dying. physically I wasn't well (hello kidney stone) but most of it seemed emotional: I can usually power through the dumps but not this time. I just needed to sit in my cold house for a couple of days and feel kind of sorry for myself. there. I said it. Sometimes, despite all the blessings and good in my life I find reasons to pity myself. It's silly really. But necessary? maybe? I'm going to say yes so I don't go through the pity cycle again.

I had a lady and great example in my life once tell me this story:

"One day my friend brought me flowers. I didn't know why but was of course grateful. When I asked her why, she said 'I'm having a bad day, and would love to have someone bring me flowers. So I figured someone else might be wishing the same thing.' "

I can't give you all flowers, or hugs, or even a "hello, how are you". But I can share this:

"If for a while, the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who have ever lived."

-Jeffery R Holland

This was shared with me here first, from anon, in a comment a few months ago when I was experiencing similar blues. And it was better than flowers.

I'm not the best with words and should probably leave it to the pros but I can't help but try to make sense of my confused energy: I want to be better in so many ways and when I fall short I immediately become confused. But the real confusion was in my original goal: why do I feel the need to be perfect? Why can't good be good enough? And why are we always harder on ourselves than anyone else?

we should be nice to ourselves.

yes, that is my advice to you this wednesday evening: be nice to yourself.

x

claire

Today

what I did today:

-slept in for the first time this holiday break!

-woke up to brandon saying "your gonna be late for work" followed by "take these" (my dreaded vitamins. bleh)

-went to work & dressed a bazillion naked mannequins

-bought myself some uber cute jeans from Gap (I plea "back to school" as my excuse)

-picked up another shift and dressed even more naked mannequins (your welcome, mall)

-came home and broke a new years resolution by eating half a jar of nutella

-thought about running

-ate more nutella instead

-caught up on emails (one of my least favorite things to do)

-exchanged a handshake with my poor sick husband before he left to work a graveyard shift.

-said a little thankyou prayer for the worlds best husband

-played minesweeper on my phone

-stalked everyone's instagram

-completely changed my school schedule {it's a day-before-the-first-day-of-school tradition}

-planned my outfit for tomorrow

and then had a little ol' chat with myself about my life. which, as mundane and unexciting as it is, I happen to love.

xoxo

thoughts and things on changes and rings

I like change.

the non-bill cash kind & the simple "rearrange the furniture" kind.

I like the big change that makes you a girl one day and a wife the next.

I like a new color of polish (forest green) and a new hairdo (heidi braids).

and I like a new season, it always comes when I'm getting bored of the previous one.

and then there is the change the happens that is good but also hard.

Like getting a new job and saying goodbye to an old one.

or husband getting a new job that takes all of his time away from fixing me dinner and driving me to and from school.

and school and hard classes with real-life-hard-core-artists and trying to fit in.

and then there are decisions that need to be made that lead to change.

like graduating this april OR going another year for a higher degree OR switching majors.

pursuing a dream you have knowing you might have to get rid of another one to make it happen.

taking leaps of faith (though I tend to take baby steps) because you can weigh out the pros and cons till the cows come home and still not know what to do.

somehow a lot of the uncomfortable hard and unpredictable changes are happening right now. It's taking a lot of my mental energy to sort it all out...

oh and on rings:

my wedding ring is a few years shy of 100 years old. I don't trust myself with it at my new job so I wear a simple golden band instead. This means I'm often mistaken as single, which I hear will help me get more tips, (though my wallet would argue after tonight)...

are you married? engaged? does your ring ever leave your finger? do you have a substitute for travel or work? and for the BIG question: does your husband wear his ring?

my Brandon rarely wears his. He's just not used to it and frankly I'm not too concerned (though I'm sure he is eyed by many a girl, he wouldn't know flirt if it hit him in the face, believe me, I know :) He wears it every Sunday along with his Colonel Sanders tie and I'm satisfied.

photo taken by Mr. White at my friends wedding. More on this wedding coming...someday....

I feel like a jackson pollock

the one with the grays, blacks, whites and bits of cream.

(probably called "number 12" or something.)

I feel like I'm standing in front of the canvas, with my nose almost touching. The lines are harsh and the splatters are chaotic and it's all around me. It's all I can see. It's too much. Too much to process.

I know when I take a step back, far enough to see the edge of the canvas wrap around the frame, that it will be ok. Seeing all the chaos encompassed, seeing the patterns and trends and methodical splatters is all right, maybe even beautiful.

though I know there is a border, and I know the paint stops somewhere, it's hard to remember when my nose is wet with grays and blacks.

but I must.

I must remember there is a therapeutic result in process.

I must be patient.

thoughts rendering

I walk home from school,

barefoot.

I don't avoid the sprinklers greening the lawns.

I let the water spot my blouse and drip down me,

observing the print my wet long bare foot leaves on the sidewalk.

I watch a butterfly catch it's breath after nearly being hit by a car. it makes eye contact with me, inches from my nose, then hurries on to do it's butterfly duties.

I stop to talk to an elderly couple about their garden,

mostly we smile and comment on the sun.

that strong sun

it warms me from the outside-in.

once home, I strip down.

lay on my favorite sheets, naked as I came.

I listen to the hum patterns from the AC

stare at the boxes from Brandon's birthday gifts

feel the blood pump through my body.

feel the pulse of the earth.

letting ideas and notions slip in and out of my head as they please.

this is how I want my mind to work.

not fogged up by the past.

not overwhelmed by the future.

but taking in the present.

processing the moment.

holding on to the thoughts that warm me and letting all else loose.

-claire

p.s.

thank you for your kind words, for your encouragement and love. this life is a wild thing. we humans are wild things. but we are warm and good. and I feel that from you. and it is a powerful thing. thank you.

*photo by me

i'm working on it.

the thing about a blog is you can pick and choose the content. you can, in essence, rewrite your character based on how you'd prefer to be viewed. I don't think I've used this blog to hide behind cupcakes and frills of a perfectly charming life. If you thought my life was perfect, I'm sorry, and it's probably partially my fault. I started this blog in a time of dire need of happiness in my life. I had gone through a horrific breakup, was unemployed, was lost. blah blah blah right? right. i was sick of it too. I needed an outlet to focus on the good, since I knew the good was there, hiding, somewhere. I wanted to catch it, and share it here.

so that's what I did.

but there is much to be said about the raw truth.



my life, like any life, is not as easy as photobooth dates and red velvet cupcakes. Instead it's one doctor visit after another, health that hurts daily, isn't making progress, and scares me for the future. It's my old friends, depression and anxiety, coming back to visit, bigger and stronger this time, with the intent to defeat me. It's feeling like I'm breaking from the inside out. It's having support from every angle of my life and yet feeling so uncontrollably alone. It's a messy house with laundry from 3 weeks ago. It's comparing myself to anyone and everyone, It's feeling unimportant. It's working full time and going to school full time. It's failing as a full time wife. It's pinching pennies month to month. It's feeling lost in my ward, inadequate in my major, and totally and completely unprepared for the future, or even the next day.

I have a lot of things to work on in my life right now. The hardest part is that the majority of it comes from the way I process, the way my mind categorizes and prioritizes thoughts. To change the way one thinks is a difficult task. Sure, I can change the way I act, I can blog positive and keep those neg. thoughts to myself but then I would be hiding behind cupcakes and lace. I don't want to hide right now. But I don't want to show myself either. it's too hard to show. this, right now is just too hard for me.

I have a lot of things to work on right now.
and this blog belongs at the bottom of the list.
I don't know when I'll be back. It could be tomorrow, with some gushy post that puts cupcakes to shame. But right now, I need to focus on my life.

so thats where I am.
and thats what I've been doing.

I'm working on it.

Kitty: Blog Alias

"Why Kitty?"

My given name is Claire Andra Thorley

I've always la la loved my name :)

My parents did a pretty swell job at picking it.

I really feel it suits me.

But growing up I was always a bit jealous of people with nicknames.

The only one nick-name I had was "Claire Bear".

and very rarely could I be called that without this rhyme following:

Claire the Bear.

Has no hair.

She wears funny underwear.

{which is just a bunch of lies...in case you were wondering: i happened to have fine taste in panties}

At some time my mom made note that my initials spell CAT.

Claire

Andra

Thorley

Because of this, my brother started calling me "Kitty". He did this for a few solid years during highschool. it became my family's pet name for me: "kitty", "kit", "cat".

and now it serves as a blog alias of sorts.

my name is now Claire Andra Thorley White.

{claire white}

which i LOVE.

but CATW doesn't spell anything.

& CAW sounds too much like cow.

so I think I'll stick with Kitty :)

What are your favorite/silly/most hated nicknames?

the senior photo shoot giveaway ends sunday!

i don't get it

too many people were up in the middle of the night last night, me included. but i was being cinderella, scrubbing garbage cans (the glory of spring cleaning) and most everyone else was watching a real live princess begin her life as "happily ever after"

the royal wedding.
really?

ok before you stone me and march me to the stalks let me remind you what century it is...

didn't we get over the whole "blood line" thing ages ago?? i mean really? someone way back in the day dubbed themselves king and thereafter all their offspring got the title too? doesn't it seem silly? not to mention, this wedding is costing
"at least 60 million" ?!?!
{and where exactly is all this money coming from!? hmph!} that money could SOLVE WORLD HUNGER for crying out loud!!!

that being said her dress is gorgeous.
and i did Wikipedia her a while back (I don't read the news. I shamefully Wikipedia) and it said some pretty cool stuff about her and humanitarian service but when i went back to Wikipedia today so i could accurately repeat all those frilly things, her bio was replaced with a bunch of fluff all centered around this wedding, since that's all we need to know about her life now right?

i suppose i am happy for them, after all, marriage is a wonderful thing.
but if they are to be king and queen i'm expecting big things from them!
like solving world hunger.

happy friday!
as queen of this blog i command you to relax and take a royal nap :)

xoxox
the queen

p.s. here's a photo to sweeten this post:

{it's the only semi-fitting photo i have: documentation of the royal family's contribution to my antique tin collection.}

Scared

I'm scared of writing papers.

Particularly LONG papers.

like the one I should be writing right now.

I've done all sorts of things to avoid the problem

(the problem being that paper not written)

like stalk blogs

facebook stalk

online window shop

etc.

I even got so pathetically desperate that I commented on my own facebook status (twice), just cause things were getting boring around there and I needed something new to look at.

I suppose I'm scared of writing papers because it means my words have to sound good and mean something important. Each word has to be well thought-out and strategically placed.

It's not at all like blogging.

can't start a sentence like this one.

can't end it without punctuation like this one

can't bold it and make it 5 times bigger when you want to emphasize something

or use colors to reflect your mood

{yellow, although my favorite color, is also my anxiety color}

and you can't use that cute little swiggle {} that looks like fancy parenthesiz or make up words like swiggle or spell things wrong like parenthesiz.

and you most certainly cannot save your dull writing with an exciting photo

i just attempted taking a photo on photobooth, in the middle of the library, and felt very awkward about it so pulled this out of the archives instead:

{exciting isn't it?}

the fact of the matter is I'm really insecure with my academic writing.

I'm much more confident with blogging.

cause even though you may grade each post in your mind, or in the occasional bold comment, it wont affect my GPA which annoyingly has been drilled into my head as an important and forever affecting thing.

somehow the lack of finality of these silly meaningless posts calms me down and allows me to express exactly how I feel at a given moment

which at this moment is

scared.

frustrated.

incompetent.

(wow...such a big word for me!)

as silly as it may be, academic writing is one of my biggest fears.

What are your silly yet reasonable fears? and do you deal with them the same way as me, by pathetically running away?

lets talk

I'm not about to pretend that this whole comment hooplah didn't happen.

it did.

and i'm not going to pretend I didn't think about it an awful lot.

i did.

So to all you lovelies out there who wrote/emailed sweet words: THANK YOU!

i wish i could give you all hugs.

& to the anonymous(es) out there, i wish i could give you a hug too.

cause i think you could really use one.

The fact of the matter is

1. this is my blog

2. this is my life

If you don't like the way i live my life or write about it (I've never claimed to be a perfect person or to be good with words) and my human contradictions (which I'm still not sure were, in regards to that post) bother you so greatly then simply

don't.

read.

my.

blog.

and if for some reason you still want to read my blog, maybe to inevitably find more flaws and faults {which frankly is kinda sick} then please refrain from unkind comments.

cause they are just that.

unkind.

and maybe you forgot but the opposite of kind is unkind.

which i'm sure no one intentionally tries to be.

especially anonymous people :)

thats all i'm going to say on the matter.

and now for some photos!

I took these quickly yesterday for a photo assignment.

we had to shoot raw and couldn't post edit.

i decided to document a few of our collections.

his.

hers.

xoxoxo

Kitty

a girl who may or may not contradict her self and likes to collect stuff.

and blog.

a Bad Blogger

I'm sorry for being such a bad blogger lately. Perhaps you feel I don't owe you an apology cause lets face it...I'm sure you aren't too upset or anything. I suppose I'm more sorry to myself. This blog is a journal of sorts and there are so many things worthy (in my eyes) of documenting! And for some reason back tracking is sooooo hard for me...I mean I've got weddings from the summer that have yet to be featured. bleh. I'll get them up someday.

life has been a bit on the busy side as of late {do I say that in every post?} I'm finally applying to my major in the next week or two and basically I'm super nervous. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. you can pray for me if you want?! or cross you fingers? or wish me luck?!

i could really use some good vibes...

for now here are some sneak peaks of some semi-recent shoots that I can't guarantee I'll post anytime soon.

engagements

family

graduating senior

i didn't plan on picking all walky pics...hah

lucky the ladybug

I have NEVER been more depressed about school in my life.

let me explain:

Guido (thanks angie) has been dormant the past 2 days.

Dormant meaning no pain what-so-ever. (happy me & happy happy husband)

However, I've kept up the diet of monkey and moose bars and my tummy has found other excuses to moan. Not to mention that I had two amazing dinners and two amazing deserts tonight. Mom and Roma fed the hubs and me silly. I could probably pass as three months prego.

I'll spare you the pics.

My mom reminded me of my age old remedy to tummy aches: Lucky.

Lucky is my giant sized ladybug beanie babie (remember the craze? I also had her in normal size and McDonald's happy meal size...) she was my go-to stuffed animal as a little girl. I'd rest her on my tummy and her lucky powers would heal me.

serious.

I've pulled her out from under my bed in my old room. She'll be sleeping with me and the hubs incase I have another kidney stone scare. (oh how I hope that doesn't happen).

When I had the first scare, two weeks before my wedding mind you, I thought there couldn't possibly be a more inconvenient time to be bed ridden. I mean...I had a wedding to plan for crying out loud!

well folks, I was wrong. THE ABSOLUTE WORST TIME TO HAVE A KIDNEY STONE is when you are a college student. Missing a day of classes in college (when you are serious about your grades/applying for a program/really really need to impress your teachers) is about the worst thing you can do. Missing a total of 5 days of classes is suicidal. Especially when after you explain your health situation to your teacher and she has no sympathy and gives you a C on your art assignment that took you hours and hours to complete. which, for the record, was a pretty swell piece (i'll share it later).

Basically I'm so far behind in school that I'm scared to go to classes tomorrow. My work load to catch up is so big I don't even know where to start. I've been slugging all day at my parents house. Complaining. I'm depressed. But more like just having a huge pity party. Luckily my family is nice and they pity me. and they told me I better not complain on my blog, cause people hate reading about other people who complain. amen.

that all being said I've decided in order to get caught up in school (sigh) I must give up blogging for a week. Not only will I not post but I wont blog stalk either (which is going to be really really hard, since stalking you all is one of my favorite past times.) But in order to keep you all very entertained (ha) my Mother, Sister, and Husband have all agreed to guest blog. I won't be screening anything they say nor will I read it until this blogging fast is over (next sunday) so who knows what revealing things they might share with you all.

so stay tuned!

and since I already broke two of my blogging rules

1. don't write long boring posts

2. don't complain

the least I can do is follow this one:

3. always ALWAYS post a photo

just chillin with the cattle. no biggie.

P.S. I'm considering doing a side bar of lingo translations so things like Hank, Guido, B, the Cupboard might make a little more sense.

rambling

sometimes i look back at the silly things i post about or the way i talk/type and it gives me a good laugh. It's funny how blogging captures such a small aspect of me: mainly only the fluff, and yet i'm so hooked. I wonder if it's just an innate desire to preserve something. To try and make tangible something so ornate and untamed as life. For me, moments are more than fleeting. They almost disappear as quickly as they come, sometimes I they pass by without a thought on my part. I'm afraid that at times i'm so caught up in life that i forget to really live it.

That's why I got myself a Brandon.

He remembers the moments.

he makes them linger longer.

He makes them.

I guess I'd hope that people would know, blogging isn't a part of me. It's just something I do, second, thirdly, lastly to being me. I'm not "Claire, the blogger". I'm just Claire. Like "Sarah Plain and Tall". But you are only getting a bit of me. The bit that dares to be blogged and/or the bit that can actually be somewhat captured in words. The other bits of me are probably as intricate and fleeting as the moments that so easily pass me by. They can't be defined.

just thoughts.

{or rambles...}

Dear Costco

Dear Costco

Thank you for your bulk products, churros (I love them...), samples, and optical center.

Because of you I found the perfect pair of granny-style-80's-ish specs. Not only were they the cheapest frames there, but now I can look uber smart minus the poser intelligent-indie look.

yo provo scene:

These bad boys are for real!!

xoxo,

Kitty

B's and my first kiss involved me wearing a very unattractive pair of glasses. They got in the way. He removed them for better kiss-ability (he's got more-than-perfect vision. He doesn't understand...) Normally I don't sport my specs, which says a little about how unexpected that life changing first kiss was :) He approves of these. Which is good, since he'll see me wearing them every morning and every night till we're old and gray!

speaking of glasses, check out this adorable video

blah blah and 4 walls

I've noticed I've become a "blah" blogger lately.

You know what I'm talking about, they {we} are a dime a dozen. You may have fallen victim to it's dull ways yourself...

You can predict the posts before they pop up.

she's probably going to talk about "shoes" "boyfriend" "fashion" "finals" {fill in the blank}

{which by the way, none of these are bad blogging topics. In fact, they are some of my favs. But after the 3rd, 5th, TENTH post...they start to get old}

Lately, for me it's been the Sr. Photoshoots.

{any type of photo shoot really...}

I've never been busier with photography {a shoot every day this week?! Some days TWO!}

I really truly can't complain since it's what I love doing.

But I have to admit...I'm having a hard time with TIME MANAGEMENT.

Where are the weeks going?!

Doesn't "TIME" know I have:

a wedding to plan?!

seniors to shoot!? {don't freak...with my CAMERA...}

a new job to somehow fit in my hectic life!? {more on this excitement later}

and probably most {2nd} importantly: WALLS TO PAINT.

yes. you heard me. WALLS TO PAINT. but not just any walls.

the 4 walls that will encompass the 500 square foot {and I'm rounding up...} area B and I will call "home".

Our first home.

the place we begin our lives together the place we will fight over what color to paint the clawfoot tub the place we will kiss each other's faces off the place we will begin our traditionsthe place we will fall even more in love the place we will tell each other soul secrets the place we take care of each other the place where we will be so crammed we wont have any choice but to snuggle constantly the place we will laugh and cry the place we will make love {hehe} the place we will stare up at our popcorn ceiling and wonder why anyone ever thought it was a good ideathe place the stove and I will finally become friends (maybs)the place where Brandon will serenade me to sleep the place where I'll demand he tucks me in like a mermaid just like my mom used to do. the place we will have many an adventuresthe place we will be humbled by when we freeze our toes off in the winter the place we will forever refer to as our first home.

Wait till you see the wonderful color Brando invented.

{that's right....too cool for paint swatches!}

I'm trying to do some good "before and after"s cause believe me...it'll be drastic. So I'm saving those pics for later. SUSPENSE! {bwhahahah!}

hopefully these will suffice for now:

oh and p.s. the overload of senior photos isn't likely to stop any time soon. they just keep....graduating! there's nothing i can do to stop it....it's madness.

oh yeah, thanks

So big news:

I'm done with finals!

Which means I can cross one

(of what will be many years)

of higher education off my list.

in the process of finals, moving out, and everything else I'm afraid I've become something I despise:

A careless person.

My mother raised me on good manners and I'm afraid I haven't put them to use lately.

I'm way past due on thankyous (why is that not a real word?) but here's a shot:

to mom

thanks for everything. and i mean it! thanks for putting up with 50% lately. now that school is out I promise i'll be 100% there for all this wedding hooplah. Oh yeah...and thanks for helping clean my apartment! I never knew it looked like that...

to pops,

thanks for bringing your manly self and manly truck to move out all my junk

to sissy

thanks for putting up with my mess lately. I promise i'll move down in the basement soon so you can have your bathroom back

to family

sorry for the mess.

thanks for dealing with it.

to clients

thanks for being patient with me! i adore your photos and i know your time is valuable.

to teachers (whom will NEVER see this)

thanks for not failing me. thanks for not being too offended when i snoozed off in class...

to roommates

i'm going to miss your guts. have fun traveling the world! thanks for putting up with all the dirty dishes. i never did break that habit...

lastly,

to my dear sweet Brandon

thanks for loving me. You make it seem so easy but i know it's got to be difficult at times. Thanks for being patient with me through my mood swings, PMS, stress, worries, temper...everything. Sometimes i think you are silly for loving me as much as you do...but i better stop saying that or you just might believe it too! fools in love is what we are.

*sorry these are all cheap blog letters...i gotta save postage for wedding stuff....bleh...it shouldn't cost that much to send happy things...

*no photos = no fun. my bad

It's mid morning...

I should be in bed.

at my apartment.

getting fully rested for the last final of the semester.

but a series of events led me to my parents home.

to my mother's bed.

where we talked for hours

of how much I love Brandon

and how blessed our lives are

and how much good there is in this world of ours.

I love my mother.

She's is one of my best friends

always has been

the most amazing lady I know.

and i'm learning to be like her.

trying to be like her.

watching her always.

she's wonderful.

so here I am, in the middle of finals and all other sorts of stress and all I can focus on is the love for my family and best friends. and this great lump in my throat dying to let out happy tears. writing in this journal-of-a-blog with horrid grammar.

just because I can.

just because I have the need to.

just because.

now let me find a pretty picture for you so if none of the above makes any sense (which by the way, it doesn't need to) at least you'll have a pretty photo to look at...

ahah! there we are!

good morning friends :)

*image from the ranch.

see more here.