i'm working on it.

the thing about a blog is you can pick and choose the content. you can, in essence, rewrite your character based on how you'd prefer to be viewed. I don't think I've used this blog to hide behind cupcakes and frills of a perfectly charming life. If you thought my life was perfect, I'm sorry, and it's probably partially my fault. I started this blog in a time of dire need of happiness in my life. I had gone through a horrific breakup, was unemployed, was lost. blah blah blah right? right. i was sick of it too. I needed an outlet to focus on the good, since I knew the good was there, hiding, somewhere. I wanted to catch it, and share it here.

so that's what I did.

but there is much to be said about the raw truth.



my life, like any life, is not as easy as photobooth dates and red velvet cupcakes. Instead it's one doctor visit after another, health that hurts daily, isn't making progress, and scares me for the future. It's my old friends, depression and anxiety, coming back to visit, bigger and stronger this time, with the intent to defeat me. It's feeling like I'm breaking from the inside out. It's having support from every angle of my life and yet feeling so uncontrollably alone. It's a messy house with laundry from 3 weeks ago. It's comparing myself to anyone and everyone, It's feeling unimportant. It's working full time and going to school full time. It's failing as a full time wife. It's pinching pennies month to month. It's feeling lost in my ward, inadequate in my major, and totally and completely unprepared for the future, or even the next day.

I have a lot of things to work on in my life right now. The hardest part is that the majority of it comes from the way I process, the way my mind categorizes and prioritizes thoughts. To change the way one thinks is a difficult task. Sure, I can change the way I act, I can blog positive and keep those neg. thoughts to myself but then I would be hiding behind cupcakes and lace. I don't want to hide right now. But I don't want to show myself either. it's too hard to show. this, right now is just too hard for me.

I have a lot of things to work on right now.
and this blog belongs at the bottom of the list.
I don't know when I'll be back. It could be tomorrow, with some gushy post that puts cupcakes to shame. But right now, I need to focus on my life.

so thats where I am.
and thats what I've been doing.

I'm working on it.