i'm working on it.

the thing about a blog is you can pick and choose the content. you can, in essence, rewrite your character based on how you'd prefer to be viewed. I don't think I've used this blog to hide behind cupcakes and frills of a perfectly charming life. If you thought my life was perfect, I'm sorry, and it's probably partially my fault. I started this blog in a time of dire need of happiness in my life. I had gone through a horrific breakup, was unemployed, was lost. blah blah blah right? right. i was sick of it too. I needed an outlet to focus on the good, since I knew the good was there, hiding, somewhere. I wanted to catch it, and share it here.

so that's what I did.

but there is much to be said about the raw truth.

my life, like any life, is not as easy as photobooth dates and red velvet cupcakes. Instead it's one doctor visit after another, health that hurts daily, isn't making progress, and scares me for the future. It's my old friends, depression and anxiety, coming back to visit, bigger and stronger this time, with the intent to defeat me. It's feeling like I'm breaking from the inside out. It's having support from every angle of my life and yet feeling so uncontrollably alone. It's a messy house with laundry from 3 weeks ago. It's comparing myself to anyone and everyone, It's feeling unimportant. It's working full time and going to school full time. It's failing as a full time wife. It's pinching pennies month to month. It's feeling lost in my ward, inadequate in my major, and totally and completely unprepared for the future, or even the next day.

I have a lot of things to work on in my life right now. The hardest part is that the majority of it comes from the way I process, the way my mind categorizes and prioritizes thoughts. To change the way one thinks is a difficult task. Sure, I can change the way I act, I can blog positive and keep those neg. thoughts to myself but then I would be hiding behind cupcakes and lace. I don't want to hide right now. But I don't want to show myself either. it's too hard to show. this, right now is just too hard for me.

I have a lot of things to work on right now.
and this blog belongs at the bottom of the list.
I don't know when I'll be back. It could be tomorrow, with some gushy post that puts cupcakes to shame. But right now, I need to focus on my life.

so thats where I am.
and thats what I've been doing.

I'm working on it.


  1. i don't know if you remember me from high school, but i just wanted to tell you that i really appreciate this post. sometimes i feel exactly how you described and i get tired of people being fake and hiding behind "cupcakes and lace." thanks for being real. i enjoy reading your blog because you ARE real. it helps your readers feel like they can be real too. good luck with everything!

  2. i feel bad for saying this but i love this post. and what is there to love? the fact that some times you hurt too, just as much as the rest of us do? no i wish you all the happiness that you can possibly get, i really do, but this post shows that you are real. you are human. you feel and hurt and you move on. i love posts like these. not because i like to see other people suffer, not at all. i love them because they show the humility that's within us all. so pick yourself up, hold your head up high, and try the best that you possibly can, because most of the time that's all any of us can ever do. oh and ps i have been reading you for a while now. i'm not a creepy stalker, just a fellow blogger. (:

  3. i love you claire! i'm in iowa right now but let's have some serious girl time when i get back. okay? okay. xo

  4. You go take care of your life right now girl!!! We will all be here when you get back. You have SOOOOO much on your plate and you are wise to prioritize things (even when that sometimes means that the not so fun things (laundry) end up at the top of the list over more fun things (blogging). WE LOVE YOU (and B) and think you are awesome...love, Kristin, Emily and Adam...

  5. Hi Claire. You dont know me, you are a friend of a friend and she introduced me to your blog. I love reading your blog just as everyone else that has commented above. Anyway, I quote came to my mind when I read your post,
    "If for a while, the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who have ever lived."
    -Jeffrey R. Holland
    He knows what he is talking about. :o) Good luck. Sometimes taking time to work on your spirit is the best thing your could ever do for your heart. Your a beautiful person. You'll figure it out.

  6. i absolutely adore you, darling.

    you're strong & lovely.

  7. Dear Claire,

    You may not remember me, but I remember you and what a light you were/are. I happend upon your blog a little while back and fell in love with the beauty in it. The way you capture life through your pictures is magnificent. As I am sure you know, you are very talented. You have mentioned in your posts before that you aren't good with words, but I strongly disagree. Your writing might be even more beautiful than your photos. I guess I just wanted to let you know how great I think you are and how impressed I am with the way you live your life. Hang in there! Know that even semi-strangers (like me) are cheering you on.

  8. It's almost creepy that I check your blog as much as I do... but I like it. So thats okay right? Haha. And this post was especially good. I definitely know how you feel! You perfectly described how being married, working, and going to school feels. But you can do it! Good luck with everything:)