happiness list

One of my lowest lows was several summers back.
I was selling pest control.
Door to door.
As if that weren't enough, I was trying to get out of  had recently gotten out of a horrible relationship. I looked at this job opportunity as an escape, to run from all my issues, from that boy who was hurting me, from my life that just wasn't working out. But I was depressed. And I felt so utterly alone, probably the most alone I've ever felt in my life. I started a happiness list on a lined piece of paper. My goal was to write one thing that made me happy before I knocked on every door. Before I knew it that lined paper turned into several papers, margins full to the brim of things that made me happy.

As I was driving home from work today, praying that rain cloud would follow me (le drama, I KNOW, i know.) I had that moment where your eyes are beginning to well and you get to decide to break the dam or suck it up. I thought of that happiness list only second to the list that sadly comes more naturally: the list of complaints, the "why me" list, the sob story list. But then I said "I'm happy, dammit!" and let my happiness list run wild.

33. perfectly ripe grapes
25. ambient light
119. firm mattresses
182. grapefruit ANYTHING
201. half awake at 5am
32. that photograph of me at the grocery store


  1. this is a gorgeous post. i love that you didn't try to 'wrap it up' in a cute way, or throw in a smiley face. instead, you let the words and the image be strong. i can't believe you went door to door like that! at least now you know everything is always going to be better than that. uphill.

  2. I get so happy whenever I see that you post. I get spurts of depression and it's really hard for me to deal with and find ways out of it, but I'm going to try this and hopefully it'll help. Thanks :)

  3. i love this post so much. i was in a very similar situation around this time last year. what an amazing and positive outlook. i really like this :)

  4. I'm just happy you are at the grocery store barefoot. I always do that, and I get lots of weird looks from people here in utah.

    I love that picture by the way.

  5. This is probably one of my favorite photos I've ever seen.

  6. I love this!! I have been so bad about keeping the sunshine away that I've been feeling like I've been living under a rain cloud! But, I love all this, I love that you made a happiness list :) I think I may have to do this, great idea!! Adore your blog, newest follower!


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