#cantstopwontstop taking photos of the sky. a dozen more on my instagram. a thousand more on my phone.
I would have called it a new years resolution but the truth is it started slowly, throughout 2013, and really, even before that, though I hadn't formed it all together into something I could pin-point. There are many things I want to be for myself (past self and future self), for others (those I've met and those I will meet), for the world (for the mark I leave/don't leave), and for God. It really all comes down to being genuine. I think the world is good at offering extremes, contrasting sides of one thing. And lately (being the last few years) as I've watched social media grow and do many great things, I've also seen it become something I'm often embarrassed to take part in. I don't think it boils down to others being wrong, doing it wrong, presenting it wrong, but rather my take on it all. I've seen it bring out a nasty, judgmental side of me; comparison being my vice. I've been frustrated that genuine good content isn't what always gets noticed but that the tricks of smoke and mirrors appeal to a larger group. And furthermore, that this information often is read as truth or "the whole" when in fact is it curated, just like everything else.
A friend noted the change in my blog over the years. It's been intentional. I determined that my blog served a very simple purpose: to journal my thoughts. It's not a scrapbook of my life (you likely won't see my photos from NY or Disneyland on here). It's not a business. It's not about fashion. I'm no authority on any subject, or lifestyle, or belief. It won't teach you how to do anything. And I won't make any promises (or did I do just that?). But, of course, I have tried all of this in the past and as I've looked back my thought has been "that's not me. that's not claire."
I curate. I'm an artist, and I know the power of good curation. But I have the intention of curating this piece of my life to be genuine. One of my favorite teachers said "If you go out intending to make great and important art, you often fail. But if you make art true to yourself, it will likely succeed" (well he probably said it better than that, but that's how I remember it). I'm just trying to be true to myself, so I can be proud of it in the moment and in the future. Something else: I write to better understand what I think. I've discovered so much of myself through this blog. Writing, amongst other things (meditation, sleeping in, saying transition prayers, eating coffee ice-cream) make me feel good. They make me feel Claire.
I'm grateful for the relationships blogging has afforded me. And I'm grateful for you who read this blog and even more grateful for how much you teach me. I hope to never be the source of negative comparison. I certainly do not have my life together. And I'm not even striving for that kind of perfection (what a horrible burden that would be!). Though I think much of my life was about that image at a time. I've felt the burden lifted when my focus changed from perfection to genuity (not a real word, btw).
I'm not sure how to finish this post. It's not as clean or concise (curated) as I'd like. But it's my current thoughts and the thoughts of many posts started and never shared. Maybe I'll talk more in the future how this "genuine" theme has played a role in other aspects of my life: friendships, the foods I eat, clothing purchases, and even weirder stuff. Or maybe I won't. I haven't decided yet.