wide-eyed dreamer

lately I've been doing most of my dreaming awake.

sounds pleasant but let me assure you: it is a NIGHTMARE.

it's funny to me how in my modern art class I can easily turn off my mind and drift into the most lovely of sleep. undisturbed. rested.

it's unfortunate that my modern art class only comes once a week cause it's likely the best sleep I get. Most nights I lay awake for a good two hours. lately it's been more like 3 or 4 hours. It may sound like I'm exaggerating. But it is the sad truth. I had grown accustom to it but it drove B crazy. He's like a professional sleeper. he hits the pillow and bam: insta-sleep. once he's been rested, he wakes, easily, routinely. I, on the other hand, toss and turn and huff in frustration. yes huff. and the tossing turning and huffing wakes B. which he doesn't care for much. So he's attempted aiding me to sleep. We've tried relaxation techniques, light hypnoses, reading extremely dull books in poor lighting etc. etc. They may work for a night or two (or not at all) but it never lasts. and the poor boy needs his sleep too. so I lay. trying so hard to be still and not huff. Listening to the tick tock of our new crosley clock as it collides with my husband's breathing and my own heart beat.

i can't turn my mind off.

too many ideas.

too many goals, desires, inspirations.

too many wide-eyed dreams.

{i miss the kind where my eyes are closed}

and yet, at the same time i'm in awe with my mind. it really is an ambitious mind. it's determined to not waste time. it's always working, never allowing its self a break {even with eyes closed}. it's constantly coming up with ideas. silly ones. oh so many silly ideas. but i do admire it for trying. trying and tempting every idea that comes it's way, knowing that someday, one is going to be just brilliant. that one is going to make a big difference somehow. that one will make all those silly ideas and restless nights worth it. it understands that good ideas don't come without practice. that good ideas get missed every day because we fail to consider them. it knows that a good idea means action. and it knows that the rest of me is often scared of that. so my mind pep talks me every morning. it tells me to be strong and get out of bed, even though it gave me a rough night, because it knows how important learning is to it's cause. it tells me to pay attention in school, to learn and try out some of the ideas that it's come up with. it encourages me when those ideas flop, to try more. it sees my frustration in my oil painting class and tells me not to compare myself. to keep trying. keep learning. keep doing. and so i try. i learn. i do.

and i stay up late in the process.

delightful images from Maia Flore