Facts & Confessions

I don't cook.
like. ever.
but last night I whipped up some maple hazelnut brussel sprouts (without a recipe mind you) and it was probably the first thing i've ever made that I thought tasted amazing.

my favorite TV show is The Wonder Years.

we talked baby names on the second date.
I determined we were "just friends" on the second date.
he kissed me on the second date.
in. that. order.

I think I'm pretty good at handling emotions.
I know sadness, happiness, excitement, stress.
But I'm the worst when it comes to anger. I just don't know what to do with it. And when I'm truly angry, it's debilitating.

the quickest way to bring out angry claire is to treat my friends and family rudely.
it's like mother bear in my or something.
you break my friends heart and I will cut to the core of your worst qualities in an terrifyingly eloquent way.
I've made friend's ex-boyfriends cry.
the truth is that it feels soooo good as it's happening and as soon as I take a breath, I feel completely horrible. like I said, I'm not good with anger.

I'm a baseball fan. It happened over night. It was a decision really. I've got a hat and everything
"go cards!"

I've been wondering more and more lately what I should be doing with my life. Obviously I'm a student still and need to continue to be a student and finish what I started. But sometimes I'm afraid I'm walking in a certain direction because at one point it was the right thing to do, and because I can't think of an alternative with as much confidence, I just keep walking.

should I teach?
should I art?
should I work?
should I mother?

I have test anxiety.
it's the pits.

Brandon, my husband, walked out of the ACT after completing only the english section and filling in C's for the rest. And he probably got a better score than you.  cause he's just annoying like that.

our little vacation last weekend turned into a stay-cation instead. it was fine. But I'm really itching for warmth and sunshine. I fired winter but it didn't listen.



and now you  know.




*art by Caitlyn Foster

"I'm happy to have been with you so far"

when you work in retail, holidays are big sale days.  And when you work in medicine, holidays don't matter.  So we often spend our holidays working.

so... Happy Valentines!  And President's Day and heck, happy Easter Too (just for safe measure).

I'd be lying if I said the reason I haven't been blogging is because I've been so busy doing FUN stuff.  This last week (or two) has been a no-fun loser streak. I've been working way more than usual which means all wifely duties have been swept under the rug.  I've turned into the world's worst student.    seriously.  and I've been booted from my campus art studio (lots of tears there).  oh, and Brandon's beloved Piano of which we've been saving for years, showed up from UPS totally busted (big alligator tears). At times like these I just want to run away. Literally.  I just want to get away from all of it. So we are doing just that this weekend. !! Nothing like a good ol' sunshine chasing road trip! I'm so excited.


**the above are the two valentines cards I got for Brandon (and didn't write a single word in....that's gotta be a sign of successful card right?)

"I'm happy to have been with you so far"

couldn't have said it better myself ;)

me too

the one thing that we all have in common is the hardest to admit.

my favorite conversations are ones where person A admits "I'm human", and person B responds "me too."

thank you for kind words, for emails, for saying "me too". There is no greater warmth than that, and I've needed it during these cold days.

*photo by me

weighty words and late night ramblings

I'm having trouble sleeping.  I go through waves, sometimes months, sometimes weeks, where I have trouble getting to sleep.  Tonight I laid awake thinking about that final conversation Brandon and I had before we (he) drifted.  It wasn't the best of conversations, and I was leading it.  We were both tired, it was late, it was not the time to be having the conversation that I wouldn't let end.  All the while he's saying the usual bit "it'll be better in the morning," "we are both tired," "I love you so much.  too much."

I'm glad he's sleeping.  Maybe a bit jealous.  I wish I could jump in his dream.  But I can't, so instead I'm wearing his maroon bathrobe and my granny glasses (that I once thought a wise purchase) that are so large the lines on the computer screen bow, and am writing this.

among other things that are keeping me up (a test I'm bound to fail tomorrow, doctors appointments I don't want to schedule, thank you cards that must be written) a conversation I had with a classmate keeps finding it's way back.

We don't know each other well.  It's a once a week class in a subject I could care less about, but we were walking in the same direction so I made conversation.  When the question of "what next?" turned to me, my answer was a pathetic mumble of "well....plan a...would love to...but...my husband.....or plan z...but....could be moving.....grad school?.....it's complicated".  He responded that he hated seeing people give up their dreams because a spouse was involved.  we came to our fork in the road and parted directions, we even shook hands first (?).  But that was that.  My spouse was getting in the way of my dreams.

the truth is, my dreams change.  and it's probably a good thing they do.  I no longer have the slightest desire to be a prima-ballerina, the first woman president, or a shrink.  They've all been big big dreams.  accomplishments, success, leadership.  ya know, "it girl" dreams.

I guess the difference of my dream now is I just want to be "his girl".  k, before this gets all sappy sap let me say: marriage has been the hardest thing in my life so far.  I often look around and think "maybe it's just us.  everyone else seems to be so good at this."  But the more likely truth is, we mostly see the pretty side of people's lives.  Marriage does something unnatural to you.  We are wont to live singular lives, it's the natural way.  We look out for ourselves, our interests, we make dreams that start with "I".  Marriage forces two individual to merge dreams.  Sometimes it works out smoothly like "oh, you like shopping at DI? Me too!" sometimes it's weird, for example, I became a baseball fan.  practically overnight.  Sometimes it's competitive: we still can't agree on a paint color for the hallway.  And sometimes it's impossible.  my life was going this way, his life was going that way.  So do we pick a place in the middle?  Jump back and forth between two destinations?  Do a 180?  sacrifice seems like a weighty word, but it's fitting.  sacrifice is what it takes.  and sacrifice is what I want to give it.  When I take a step back and evaluate (usually after a nice de-tox bath provided by a desperate husband in hopes to soak some sense into me) I realize our quarrels are typically about 1 thing: the stubbornness of not wanting to give up the other person's dream.

I don't know how to navigate this.  I don't have the answers.  But I'll control what I can control and know what I know.  And what I can control is whether or not I love him and what I know is that I do.

photo credit: Matt Clayton