confused energy

I have been deeply under the weather these past few days. I say "deeply" mostly for dramatic effect (or is it affect?). It's not like I was dying. physically I wasn't well (hello kidney stone) but most of it seemed emotional: I can usually power through the dumps but not this time. I just needed to sit in my cold house for a couple of days and feel kind of sorry for myself. there. I said it. Sometimes, despite all the blessings and good in my life I find reasons to pity myself. It's silly really. But necessary? maybe? I'm going to say yes so I don't go through the pity cycle again.

I had a lady and great example in my life once tell me this story:

"One day my friend brought me flowers. I didn't know why but was of course grateful. When I asked her why, she said 'I'm having a bad day, and would love to have someone bring me flowers. So I figured someone else might be wishing the same thing.' "

I can't give you all flowers, or hugs, or even a "hello, how are you". But I can share this:

"If for a while, the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who have ever lived."

-Jeffery R Holland

This was shared with me here first, from anon, in a comment a few months ago when I was experiencing similar blues. And it was better than flowers.

I'm not the best with words and should probably leave it to the pros but I can't help but try to make sense of my confused energy: I want to be better in so many ways and when I fall short I immediately become confused. But the real confusion was in my original goal: why do I feel the need to be perfect? Why can't good be good enough? And why are we always harder on ourselves than anyone else?

we should be nice to ourselves.

yes, that is my advice to you this wednesday evening: be nice to yourself.

x

claire

today I took my vitamins and didn't even complain. I got to school late but was prepared for the day, which rarely happens (the prepared part that is, the late part is a regular occurrence). I had an "ah-ha" moment in one of my classes and savored it. And then, as I was walking home I cried. kind of a sad pathetic cry. One where my hands were too full to wipe the tears and I hoped for the life of me I just looked "cold" or something. And it wasn't a big deal really. It was short lived. and somewhat therapeutic. I don't know exactly why I was crying but if I were going to try and shrink myself I'd say "self, you are just realizing you are human. because you are human you can laugh one second and cry the next and both acts can be true. yes, because you are human you will realize you are not perfect, and you may think that all the work you do is in vain. But it's not. you are growing and you are feeling and you are living. And sometimes crying is just your way of realizing all of these things. Just don't let it last too long, cause that probably wouldn't be healthy." And then I'd shake self's hand and think "man, she's good".

*mountain diptych from my walk this morning

did you have a good valentines? Brandon and I worked all day, so we are celebrating tomorrow :) We promised each other no gifts and then both found things we might like: a new pair of pantaloons for me (I always want pants. never tops. it makes outfitting a little tricky.) and some Glenn Gould vinyls for him. I like breaking the "let's not do gifts" rule.

in other news the Body of Work show came down today. I feel so lucky and honored to have been a part of it. It really was a swell show and I learned a lot from it. Thank you to everyone who went to see it! Especially big thanks to those who made it for the opening! I loved being able to see my family and friends take it all in, and it meant so much to me that you would come. (I know this isn't the grammy's but stay with me, I feel the need to express more thanks) Thanks to Daniel, my teacher who curated the show (and will hopefully never find this blog,) he's brilliant and I don't think he knows it. He's helped me better understand my art. maybe not even better understand but just plain understand. it's a really good feeling. And thank you to my amazing fellow students who's work really inspires and motivates me. And of course thank you Brandon: for just about everything and more.

thats it

-claire

p.s. this show goes up tomorrow!! and as promised, here's proof of me working on it:

this is an edit from assignment #12 I didn't end up using but had to share somewhere, it's too funny.

to see more of my and others' projects check out Jessica's website:
LEARNING TO LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE

and participate! The show goes up tomorrow in gallery 303 of the Harris Fine Arts Center (Brigham Young University, Provo Ut.) but you can continue to submit your work through February 28th. If you have any questions about it let me know.

I met a bee today.

he was sitting on my backpack strap at 6:30 this morning. (a backpack that hasn't been used in a week at least.) I wonder how long he's been there. Perhaps he's been snuggling with us every night this odd winter, or maybe he snuck through the holes in the floor.

whatever the case, I admire him for his determination to live.

I set him free in the snowy morning, he didn't fight me for it, and wished him a long and happy bee life.

that, and a good chat about making un-complicated art, were the highlights of my day.

-claire

p.s. tomorrow is a special day, just incase you forgot. I'm off to thrift some vinyls for brandon. Wish me luck!

art art art

It has been a wild past two weeks. I've been so consumed with school and my art classes, I haven't had time to do much else. Even though I'm extremely busy and a wee bit stressed, I'm completely happy. I love art. I love making it. I love seeing it. I LOVE talking about. I'm happy that this is my life right now.

I'm so lucky to be doing what I love.

speaking of art

I have two invitations for you!

The first is to check out this show:

Opening night is tomorrow (Thursday) and the show will be up for one week. I'd love to see you at the opening! All of the videos are amazing and made by my fellow students whom I admire so much. And my video is maybe one of my favorite works I've done. oh, and Brittany's bringing hummus, so if anything come for that.

The second invitation is to be a part of my friend, Jessica Li's, BFA show. She has a bunch of assignments on her website you can participate in which will later be shown in gallery 303 of the Harris Fine Arts Center. The assignments are really fun! I'll be posting some of mine here as I do them.

check it out:

Winner!

congrats to Sarah, the winner of the pretty swell 25% off hair-do giveaway!

(chosen via random number generator)

to schedule your appointment contact:

Jordan McKell

Amara Salon

870 N 980 W

Orem, UT 84057

801-226-2300

*If you didn't win, make an appointment and say that Claire sent you. I promise she'll treat you right :)

Thanks to Jordan! For offering her wonderful services to needy heads of hair like mine :) I really don't know what I'd do without her.

xo

claire

happy monday!

more/less

It's been 1 month since I filled my journal with pages of resolutions. But this pretty much sums up any goals I have that are worth keeping. I first posted it here, but thought it deserved a re-issue. I even added more.

more doing

less sitting

more saving

less spending

more reading

less watching

more organic

less processed

more sleep

less worry

more meals

less snacks

more protein

less sweets

more letters

less texts

more faces

less facebook

more nature

less urban

more participating

less observing

more faith

less doubt

more forgiveness

less judgement

more praise

less blame

more love

less hurry

more trying

less hesitation